War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

Don't get mad, get even.

The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the author's name on the title page.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

Getting into trouble is easy.

There is no proverb that is not true.

You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put your feet in it and swish them around a little.

Don't be humble ... you're not that great.

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's ___not the U.S. Army doing it!"

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.'"

Veni, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered].

The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.

The horizon of many people is a circle with a radius of zero. They call this their point of view.

I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.

If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.

We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat,

Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Let me take you a button-hole lower.

"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested. "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The nam

Nobody shot me.

When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

God is Dead.

Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police."

When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.

The Least Successful Executions History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope snap

[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courag

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the history of war have s

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved.

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when they're being taped.

You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

God help those who do not help themselves.

Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God is a cruel and capricious tyrant.

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.

The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when swerving away from the rabbit hits a pe

There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.

It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat your own family with loving un

To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

The white race is the cancer of history.

Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.

Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

Why was I born with such contemporaries?

A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out.

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

In charity there is no excess.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.

That's where the money was.

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.

Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.

If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.

Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.

Nothing endures but change.

Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain the last but one.

For a light heart lives long.

Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving the earth, like because the first th

"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young man as its logo."

"There is a God, but He drinks"

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first group and lost all the friends

A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.

The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing and humiliating reality.

It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.

"Go on, girl! You'll never get a better chance to buy Jif at this price. *Carpe diem*, babe!"

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

My rackets are run on strictly American lines, and they're going to stay that way.

God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to receive it.

If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.

Men will fuck mud.

There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.

While there's life, there's hope.

It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.