Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

God is Dead.

"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's ___not the U.S. Army doing it!"

"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"

Civilization and profits go hand in hand.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat your own family with loving un

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.

You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. This gives me great hope for the human race.

Who's scruffy-looking?

Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.

The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

Some days you wake and immediately start worrying. Nothing in particular is wrong, it's just the suspicion that forces are aligning quietly and there will be trouble.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.

You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.

Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum. The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.

Were there no women, men might live like gods.

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.

Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.

Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.

"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

There but for the grace of God, goes God.

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child

It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.

The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.

I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

Nothing recedes like success.

We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.

Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on tombstones, women and competitors.

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade ari

I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before he starts to practice law.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."

It's not easy, being green.

Every country has the government it deserves.

Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is good at being short.

If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt

I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of other people... Certainty is just an emotion.

There's no justice in this world.

Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.

Hindsight is always 20:20.

War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.

A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Art is either plagiarism or revolution.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Let's do it.

The optimum committee has no members.

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.

The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.

I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.

I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

I hate dying.

A is for Apple.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

A man's house is his castle.

Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.

Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.

Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.

You've always made the mistake of being yourself.

The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The major sin is the sin of being born.

Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on that subject.

Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.

One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations like prostitutes.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort."

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them."

Never promise more than you can perform.

There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

Save the Whales

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

There is no sin but ignorance.

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.

What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can no longer believe you.

You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. Now it's our turn.

If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.

Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.

Business will be either better or worse.

Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.

Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surroun

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello is fatal to a virgin.

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.

A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.