The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.

Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."

I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed i

"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."

There are no answers, only cross-references.

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics in general as no other can.

United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhil

I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.

THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't know what they'd do with it. Probabl

You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.

War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the idea that I'm knocking the American system.

Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

"It don't matter, Sail, ... Could be worse. The fam'ly might be donatin' the proceeds to the Cath'lic Church, or the Mormons or somethin'. One cult's the same another."

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

Most general statements are false, including this one.

Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.

There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, and that word is blackmail.

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

Rincewind looked down at him and grinned slowly. It was a wide, manic, and utterly humourless rictus. It was the sort of grin that is normally accompanied by small riverside birds wandering in and out, picking scraps out of the teeth.

The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

Grig (the navigator): ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space armada. Alex (the gunner): What?!? Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against overwhelming odds. Alex: It'll be a slaughter! Grig: That'

We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.

What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?

Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.

The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Majorities, of course, start with minorities.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]

I think the world is run by C students.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how weak he is.

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes so many of them.

"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the cost to others, to win advancement."

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.

The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

The best you get is an even break.

We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death?

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

That's always the way when you discover something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children.

What an artist dies with me!

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

"The policeman isn't there to create disorder. The policeman is there to ________preserve disorder."

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

He hath eaten me out of house and home.

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."

A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.

There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.

There are no great men, buster. There are only men.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.

AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! AWAKE!

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity,

To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.

A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out.

There's no such thing as an original sin.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

You tread upon my patience.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing tricks on me and treating me badly.

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

You can never do just one thing.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

Nothing recedes like success.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas.

She often gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it).

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Mo

"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

"Go on, girl! You'll never get a better chance to buy Jif at this price. *Carpe diem*, babe!"

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.

"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."