Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

Flame on!

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?

The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.

Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.

Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

The course of true anything never does run smooth.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

Don't get mad, get even.

Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain an uncontainable experience.

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director f

To do two things at once is to do neither.

Confucius say too much.

"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.

The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

The major sin is the sin of being born.

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one Maltese Falcon.

Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.

Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.

One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.

The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.

I love treason but hate a traitor.

Beggars should be no choosers.

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room with

Don't guess

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

All phone calls are obscene.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

A violent man will die a violent death.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read.

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

Mum's the word.

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

The Worst Musical Trio There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian gentleman who was

When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

Necessity hath no law.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out.

None love the bearer of bad news.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade ari

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

The coast was clear.

The future is a race between education and catastrophe.

The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense

A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.

Many hands make light work.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

To lead people, you must follow behind.

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

CF&C stole it, fair and square.

What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!

Set the cart before the horse.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.

Honesty's the best policy.