Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.

There is always something new out of Africa.

One good turn deserves another.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

What an artist dies with me!

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

The faster I go, the behinder I get.

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."

It'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home.

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

All phone calls are obscene.

Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.

Words have a longer life than deeds.

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

God helps them that help themselves.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!

Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.

Faith is under the left nipple.

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.

There's no justice in this world.

All art is but imitation of nature.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 0. integrated 0. management 0. options 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming 5. re

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

In my end is my beginning.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth gr

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

Small is beautiful.

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down.

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. T

Art is a jealous mistress.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.

Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Sometimes, too long is too long.

Why are you doing this to me? Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before there is change.

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.

It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.

Haste makes waste.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

The coast was clear.

To have died once is enough.

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

It is better to have loved and lost

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

What you don't know won't help you much either.

Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

Neckties strangle clear thinking.

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.

Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

A good reputation is more valuable than money.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.

True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.

The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

The major sin is the sin of being born.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

If God is One, what is bad?

Another day, another dollar.