Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.

He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.

The only reward of virtue is virtue.

I owe the public nothing.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.

Under every stone lurks a politician.

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhil

Must I hold a candle to my shames?

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.

... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you lucky fool, a

If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

What you don't know won't help you much either.

Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.

God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

To listen to some devout people, one would imagine that God never laughs.

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.

To have died once is enough.

The Worst Musical Trio There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian gentleman who was

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

He hath eaten me out of house and home.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, beca

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Let me take you a button-hole lower.

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.

When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.

There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point."

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

Flame on!

In charity there is no excess.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Prizes are for children.

Men are superior to women.

There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

If God is One, what is bad?

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Faith is under the left nipple.

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours a

I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Set the cart before the horse.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison.

Satire is what closes Saturday night.

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

One good turn deserves another.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Mo

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.

When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

The mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.

Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

He jests at scars who never felt a wound.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

Genius is pain.

There are no answers, only cross-references.

What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

When neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of men live content.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

Ben, why didn't you tell me?

Out of sight is out of mind.

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.

Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.

The coast was clear.