There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

That's where the money was.

Housework can kill you if done right.

It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

You can't cheat an honest man. Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.

Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad.

God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.

Nothing endures but change.

One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

She often gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it).

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

The Least Successful Police Dogs America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or of

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.

Dear Ann Landers: My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.

You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!

Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.

Never promise more than you can perform.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.

You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.

Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a cockatoo.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

Another day, another dollar.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.

Hate the sin and love the sinner.

Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas.

Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James Watt's office.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.

Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Having nothing, nothing can he lose.

A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a mi

In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so people who find nothing odd about it.

It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.

Never have so many understood so little about so much.

The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other side a consistency, fors

As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, with most of the present Dissent

I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive.

An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be.

All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.

Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. Conscience makes egotists of us all.

Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress I can. Why doesn't anyone

"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police."

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.

Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.

You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing

No matter whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.

So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.

If you want divine justice, die.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed i

He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

Veni, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered].

All generalizations are false, including this one.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

Necessity hath no law.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.

Nothing succeeds like success.

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Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

Love the sea? I dote upon it

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.

To know Edina is to reject it.

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

"Listen to what I say, not what I mean. I mean ...."

He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool.

To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.

Life is a series of rude awakenings.

To have died once is enough.

He hath eaten me out of house and home.

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. Because death is moment

The white race is the cancer of history.