It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.

Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surroun

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races.

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

Everyone is in the best seat.

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

Prizes are for children.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

"No job too big; no fee too big!"

I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

If God is One, what is bad?

Forgive and forget.

One good turn asketh another.

Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanent

Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.

Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It is not so. It is so. It is not so.

Why are you doing this to me? Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before there is change.

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

Mum's the word.

The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.

They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coinci

No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.

If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth gr

A violent man will die a violent death.

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

There's no justice in this world.

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

The first sign of corruption in a society that is still alive is that the end justifies the means.

We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness th

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.

The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.

When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning must go to the same ass

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property.

Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.

"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children." "Oh, so you don't like it?" "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."

The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

Men are superior to women.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.

I knew her before she was a virgin.

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

Would it help if I got out and pushed?

You tread upon my patience.

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.

How should they answer?

It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that one can learn."

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.

God helps them that help themselves.

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!

Getting into trouble is easy.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Nice guys finish last.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!

Small is beautiful.

True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.

The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not c

We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.