God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... not enough to support a man and fiv

An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.

A is for Apple.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!

There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.

How should they answer?

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.

We have art that we do not die of the truth.

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Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument follows:

Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.

There are no great men, buster. There are only men.

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."

of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."

If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

A light wife doth make a heavy husband.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the world.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.

I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved.

The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that way.

What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coinci

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet

Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.

Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

American cars are made shoddily... Cars made overseas are far superior.

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed i

If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.

Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?

Faith is under the left nipple.

Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a President who appoints t

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.

You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the worl

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

The Public is merely a multiplied "me."

Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?"

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.

True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

You've always made the mistake of being yourself.

I think the world is run by C students.

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.

One of the large consolations for experiencing anything unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.

Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.

The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courag

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.

I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.

The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

To be is to be related.

What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and repulsion. You can meet

Old age is the harbor of all ills.

A yawn is a silent shout.

I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.

Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.

The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics in general as no other can.

Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.

... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity,

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."

No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".

When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Another day, another dollar.

"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested. "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The nam

Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.

"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: * Governmental offices * Post offices * Libraries * Schools * Banks * Parts of Palm Beach and the mind of Se

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

What we do not understand we do not possess.

"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity."

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a mi

Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.

Rincewind looked down at him and grinned slowly. It was a wide, manic, and utterly humourless rictus. It was the sort of grin that is normally accompanied by small riverside birds wandering in and out, picking scraps out of the teeth.

During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both, superstition, bigo

They're giving bank robbing a bad name.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Too much of everything is just enough.

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

This night methinks is but the daylight sick.

The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. The wo

We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Every country has the government it deserves.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations like prostitutes.

A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.

Things past redress and now with me past care.

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

Perhaps the world's second worst crime is boredom. The first is being a bore.

The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man really clever who has not found that he is stupid.

Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.