Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

A man's house is his castle.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

Pauca sed matura. [Few but excellent.]

God help those who do not help themselves.

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate."

Most general statements are false, including this one.

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

Don't get mad, get even.

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

Two heads are better than one.

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd w

It is better to have loved and lost

An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.

Man is the measure of all things.

The course of true anything never does run smooth.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Genius is pain.

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.

Home is where the hurt is.

Housework can kill you if done right.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.

Real wealth can only increase.

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

Never have so many understood so little about so much.

Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

Nothing endures but change.

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

It's not easy, being green.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."

Nice guys finish last.

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.

per year.

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.

Too much of everything is just enough.

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

Think sideways!

If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

Charity begins at home.

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

There's no justice in this world.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.

The future is a race between education and catastrophe.

My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.

For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours a

You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.

Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

The best you get is an even break.

No good deed goes unpunished.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

If you catch a man, throw him back.

Never buy from a rich salesman.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

One big pile is better than two little piles.

We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.

If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- forth old bore who expected every

There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.