An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

Words have a longer life than deeds.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director f

were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear signifi

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving the earth, like because the first th

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

Let your conscience be your guide.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

No evil can happen to a good man.

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

Many hands make light work.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

Honesty's the best policy.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

The future is a race between education and catastrophe.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

To lead people, you must follow behind.

It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never be free of subjugation.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

One good turn deserves another.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

I will make you shorter by the head.

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.

My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how weak he is.

In charity there is no excess.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

"Spare no expense to save money on this one."

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Language is a virus from another planet.

Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...

There must be more to life than having everything.

The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

To teach is to learn twice.

Most general statements are false, including this one.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.