Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

"You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?"

Never promise more than you can perform.

We're all in this alone.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.

A snake lurks in the grass.

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.

Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain an uncontainable experience.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Satire is what closes Saturday night.

Genius is pain.

In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.

The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.

Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

There is no sin but ignorance.

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room with

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunc

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

Beggars should be no choosers.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Small is beautiful.

A violent man will die a violent death.

It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.

When in doubt, use brute force.

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

If there is no wind, row.

It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

Why be a man when you can be a success?

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".

My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Forgive and forget.

A word to the wise is enough.

She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose your ignorance; you cannot replace it."

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

The future is a race between education and catastrophe.

When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

What we wish, that we readily believe.

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...

I hate quotations.

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.

We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition to crave knowledge.

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.