What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

I would have made a good pope.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

The distinction between true and false appears to become increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking.

The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably price

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.

A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

To be great is to be misunderstood.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read.

The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.

Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism.

Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.

If they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't like his necktie.

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating."

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Alas, how love can trifle with itself!

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war and they are screened at onc

The Angels want to wear my red shoes.

There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.

Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.

Success is in the minds of Fools.

Anything anybody can say about America is true.

Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

The faster I go, the behinder I get.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

Look before you leap.

The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality of functions performed by private citizens.

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.

There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.

The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Too much is just enough.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence.

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?

The world wants to be deceived.

Our swords shall play the orators for us.

Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

Charity begins at home.

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.

I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.

Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.

Sometimes, too long is too long.

In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be mud." And there was mud. And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what we have done." And God created every living creature that now moveth, and

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not c

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be kept ever in mind, how

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

The Least Successful Defrosting Device The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips

Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us not forget its high capacity to soo

"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... not enough to support a man and fiv

WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something.

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a liar who has broken his promises.

[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them are. Insects have built nests in them. People hav

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.

"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."

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Home is where the hurt is.

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

Something better... 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.