Nice guys finish last.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.

The more the merrier.

Go away, I'm all right.

"Life is too important to take seriously."

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

I owe the public nothing.

In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

Genius is pain.

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Practice yourself what you preach.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

Imagine what we can imagine!

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.

An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

What one fool can do, another can.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

Turn the other cheek.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.

The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

There must be more to life than having everything.

A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

There seems no plan because it is all plan.

Nothing succeeds like excess.

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

The world wants to be deceived.

Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

None love the bearer of bad news.

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.

Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

per year.

"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.

A man's house is his castle.

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.