You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.

The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read.

Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.

Haste makes waste.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

Save the Whales

Business will be either better or worse.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

Don't get mad, get even.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.]

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.

Look before you leap.

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

Innovation is hard to schedule.

Rome was not built in one day.

Go away, I'm all right.

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

There's no justice in this world.

Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

No evil can happen to a good man.

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.

If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

I hate dying.

There's no such thing as an original sin.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.

A snake lurks in the grass.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

Another day, another dollar.

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness th

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

We're all in this alone.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

God is Dead.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

A word to the wise is enough.

All is well that ends well.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.

Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing.

A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.

We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.