For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.

It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

Man is the measure of all things.

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.

Why be a man when you can be a success?

It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family airedale will come clear across t

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

Nothing endures but change.

Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

Don't get mad, get even.

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

"Life is too important to take seriously."

We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.

Let your conscience be your guide.

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. XXVIII: It is better to be the r

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

In charity there is no excess.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, beca

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

To have died once is enough.

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Too much of everything is just enough.

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

The world wants to be deceived.

A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Sometimes, too long is too long.

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

Forgive and forget.

There is always something new out of Africa.

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.

Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.]

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

A dead man cannot bite.

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

A man's house is his castle.

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.