The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.

of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first group and lost all the friends

Why be a man when you can be a success?

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.

A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]

A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.

Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

How apt the poor are to be proud.

"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.'"

Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.

Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.

The scum also rises.

All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States.

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

Too clever is dumb.

A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world.

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man really clever who has not found that he is stupid.

"Listen to what I say, not what I mean. I mean ...."

NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.

You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide a grin.

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

Such evil deeds could religion prompt.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.

I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless

The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.

The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again.

Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.

A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

Cold is God's way of teling us to burn more Catholics.

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

"What's this? Trix? Aunt! Trix? You? You're after the prize! What is it?" He picked up the box and studied the back. "A glow-in-the-dark squid! Have you got it out of there yet?" He tilted the box, angling the little colored balls of cereal

Small things make base men proud.

No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. We have emotional moving vans.

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion.

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.

If there is no wind, row.

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.

In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

There is no sin but ignorance.

Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.

Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb.

Odets, where is thy sting?

"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

General notions are generally wrong.

The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. The wo

Having nothing, nothing can he lose.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cathedral in Spain: It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if dressed as a man. Above the enterance to a Cairo bar: Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husb

What you don't know won't help you much either.

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet

A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking.

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

They're giving bank robbing a bad name.

The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's,

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those.

My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanent

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.

If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.

An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

When neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of men live content.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.