A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

The man who runs may fight again.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

To do two things at once is to do neither.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Getting into trouble is easy.

To add insult to injury.

You get what you pay for.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

Don't guess

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

Go away, I'm all right.

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

The farther you go, the less you know.

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

Fortune and love befriend the bold.

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

Innovation is hard to schedule.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

In the long run we are all dead.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.

None love the bearer of bad news.

All phone calls are obscene.

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are

The fact that it works is immaterial.

It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.

Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing.

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

Better tried by twelve than carried by six.

As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

We are what we pretend to be.

All is well that ends well.

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

So little time, so little to do.

A place for everything and everything in its place.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

General notions are generally wrong.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

There's no justice in this world.

Haste makes waste.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

Housework can kill you if done right.

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

Sometimes, too long is too long.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

Real wealth can only increase.

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

I hate quotations.

I owe the public nothing.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.

The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room with

"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

What fools these mortals be.

It is better to have loved and lost

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

Mum's the word.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Necessity has no law.

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.

That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.

Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?

It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.

Man is the measure of all things.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Necessity hath no law.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

A witty saying proves nothing.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

To have died once is enough.

VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade ari

There's no such thing as an original sin.

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness th

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

The best you get is an even break.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

May you live in uninteresting times.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

Nothing recedes like success.

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.

In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.

In charity there is no excess.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

Littering is dumb.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.

Love the sea? I dote upon it

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.

per year.

Neckties strangle clear thinking.

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.