The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

Practice yourself what you preach.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.

The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

Language is a virus from another planet.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

There must be more to life than having everything.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.

Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.

The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national organization. The stated goal of the c

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.

Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.

Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll say it was obvious all along.

Old age is the harbor of all ills.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.

If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.

Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory.

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time someone writes `bible thumpers?'

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

Even God cannot change the past.

Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt of all the others, and then do what's best.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.

If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too.

The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten over the same month for the previous year.

I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.

There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the Fatherland.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

"Life is too important to take seriously."

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the world.

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never any good to oneself.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

What fools these mortals be.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

NEW YORK

You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.

Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.

Were there no women, men might live like gods.

No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

I am looking for a honest man.

To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

Most people deserve each other.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.

Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.

Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercio

Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have been, and never will be wrong.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."

Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.

Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.

I would have made a good pope.

My brain is my second favorite organ.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Force has no place where there is need of skill.

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will never succeed.

Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes.

Serfs up!

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment.

Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.

... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you lucky fool, a

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

With reasonable men I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but to tyrants I will give no quarter.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the worl

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.

War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

Man is by nature a political animal.

"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."

Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ?

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.

We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not c

"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true."

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

The first requisite for immortality is death.

The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.

We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken out and shot.

There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular employment of violence.

Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning must go to the same ass

Your wig steers the gig.

Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

Another day, another dollar.

I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection with income tax policies.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cathedral in Spain: It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if dressed as a man. Above the enterance to a Cairo bar: Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husb

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

No character, however upright, is a match for constantly reiterated attacks, however false.

A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the finance ministry, sir," the telle

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.

A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressively cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it's still a holding place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks. Not that I would have cared nor

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

Save the Whales

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"

Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Comm

Cautious, careful people always casting about to preserve their reputation or social standards never can bring about reform. Those who are totally in earnest are willing to be anything or nothing in the world's estimation, and publicly and privately

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never be free of subjugation.

I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my government because they could not keep up.

The goys have proven the following theorem...

Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be.

Any president should have the right to shoot at least two people a year without explanation.

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.

Hindsight is always 20:20.

Naked children have never played in _o_u_r fountains, and I.M. Pei will never be happy on Route 66.

Youth is a disease from which we all recover.

Once is happenstance, Twice is coincidence, Three times is enemy action.

Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.

It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

The perfect friend sees the best in you

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.

You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in small as in great matters.

My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

The horizon of many people is a circle with a radius of zero. They call this their point of view.

The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other side a consistency, fors

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.

Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.

I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a robber.

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality.

WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really [Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the Russians. They look at our leaders and they

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.

The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.

Cold is God's way of teling us to burn more Catholics.

This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and adds happiness in a world in which happiness is al

No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the one who's giving it.

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

The best you get is an even break.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not displeasing to us.

If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible carpenter.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

The faster we go, the rounder we get.

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a mi

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.

The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man really clever who has not found that he is stupid.

All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling.

It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.

Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.

Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.

You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.

He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool.

"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn't compete successfully with poets.

If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means.

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.

A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.

There but for the grace of God, goes God.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be kept ever in mind, how

If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

You're always thinking you're gonna be the one that makes 'em act different.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

Another day, another dollar.

To be is to be related.

Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they are another's.

When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

Think sideways!

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

If you float on instinct alone, how can you calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

Imagine me going around with a pot belly. It would mean political ruin.

The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.

He liked fishing a little too much, and he believed that work was something a man did when he had to. He had always been able to get along well enough without it, especially for the last couple of years.

Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.

Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide a grin.

When in doubt, do it. It's much easier to apologize than to get permission.

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".

A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.

"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"

The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe.

Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies will never believe you anyway.

AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! AWAKE!

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.

Never promise more than you can perform.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.