When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

... we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of the past.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Justice is incidental to law and order.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to catching instructions on the wing.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

I'll never get off this planet.

Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?

A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.

There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval of the Republican Righ

You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was wrong, "Up to a point." "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? Yokoh

I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family p

Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers.

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

"There is a God, but He drinks"

Would it help if I got out and pushed?

That's where the money was.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.

What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved.

God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... not enough to support a man and fiv

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

The world wants to be deceived.

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.

With reasonable men I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but to tyrants I will give no quarter.

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible carpenter.

A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.

So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken out and shot.

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

Go ahead... make my day.

Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.

The major sin is the sin of being born.

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in small as in great matters.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

It is better to have loved and lost

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organisation of hatreds.

There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.

Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life.

It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.

The fact that it works is immaterial.

Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

Turn the other cheek.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illus

I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

A light wife doth make a heavy husband.

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children.

They use different words for things in America. For instance they say elevator and we say lift. They say drapes and we say curtains. They say president and we say brain damaged git.

Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having his neighbour notice it.

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true."

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]

There's no justice in this world.

"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nos

Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God is a cruel and capricious tyrant.

I have a very strange feeling about this...

Better tried by twelve than carried by six.

Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.

Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.

Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House.

"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."

The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion.

In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be mud." And there was mud. And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what we have done." And God created every living creature that now moveth, and

I think we're in trouble.

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.

We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.

A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out.

"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

One big pile is better than two little piles.

All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.

The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely ins

As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

To use violence is to already be defeated.

Prizes are for children.

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts."

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.

The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

Man is the measure of all things.

I'll burn my books.

Don't guess

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courag

Confucius say too much.

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that way.

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.

Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.

Forgive and forget.

A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.

I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me.

He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by slashing his abdomen with a knife.

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.

There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."

Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.

We're all in this alone.

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

Anything anybody can say about America is true.

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.

The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the dawn of reason and

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

None love the bearer of bad news.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.

All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]

A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

Fortune and love befriend the bold.

Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.

"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."

The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's,

When in doubt, use brute force.

Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.

The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials

Home is where the hurt is.

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.

"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of trees to prove their manhood.

Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.

What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coinci

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

It's not easy, being green.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.

The superfluous is very necessary.

A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.

"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to

Fear is the greatest salesman.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

Best Mistakes In Films In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all possible. In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a st

Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing tricks on me and treating me badly.

In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.

"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."

My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to meas

... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative hypothesis of an extremely low order of prob

I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

English literature's performing flea.

There is always something new out of Africa.

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.

Patch griefs with proverbs.

[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set.

Men are superior to women.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

There never was a good war or a bad peace.

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

"God gives burdens; also shoulders" Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why wo

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

Sometimes, too long is too long.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.

I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man is to suffer for others.

Every country has the government it deserves.

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the world.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

Better late than never.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so.

Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ances

Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic candidates for president.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.

Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known that the Leader would have sc

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.

Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing.

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.

The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?

Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.

"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young man as its logo."

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the

If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means.

Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.

You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment they cross the mountains into California,

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...

One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is a

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.