There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

Mum's the word.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Faith is under the left nipple.

I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.

Odets, where is thy sting?

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.

So little time, so little to do.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

I am a deeply superficial person.

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.

All is well that ends well.

Littering is dumb.

Ben, why didn't you tell me?

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

Honesty's the best policy.

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.

What soon grows old? Gratitude.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.

As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.

The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Nice guys finish last.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?

Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!

Facts are the enemy of truth.

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

One big pile is better than two little piles.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

Too much of everything is just enough.

He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose your ignorance; you cannot replace it."

There's no such thing as an original sin.

Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.

Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.

Art is anything you can get away with.

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd w

Naked children have never played in _o_u_r fountains, and I.M. Pei will never be happy on Route 66.

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

Getting into trouble is easy.

Real wealth can only increase.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

Don't get mad, get even.

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

God is Dead.

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

The farther you go, the less you know.

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

Everyone is in the best seat.

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

"What are you watching?" "I don't know." "Well, what's happening?" "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something terrible." "Why are you watching it?" "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you."

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

What fools these mortals be.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

What!? Me worry?

If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- forth old bore who expected every

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

When in doubt, use brute force.

XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. XXVIII: It is better to be the r

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

Who's scruffy-looking?

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?

One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to amuse them.

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

You can observe a lot just by watching.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Men will fuck mud.

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear signifi

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

What one fool can do, another can.

There is no proverb that is not true.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Turn the other cheek.

Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

All phone calls are obscene.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is good at being short.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

Two heads are better than one.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

Nothing succeeds like success.

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

The world wants to be deceived.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate."

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten over the same month for the previous year.

What you don't know won't help you much either.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

Let your conscience be your guide.

Love the sea? I dote upon it

I'll never get off this planet.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

Another day, another dollar.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.

... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

Leave no stone unturned.

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.

Save the Whales

Nothing recedes like success.

... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. He looks upon the great

The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label.

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Most general statements are false, including this one.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.

Genius is pain.

Man is the measure of all things.

To do two things at once is to do neither.

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

We are what we pretend to be.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.

Porsche: there simply is no substitute.

A man's house is his castle.

Charity begins at home.

The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, beca

From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

The man who runs may fight again.

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

In my end is my beginning.

In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.

Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

Well begun is half done.