Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.

To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is madness.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear signifi

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

The first sign of corruption in a society that is still alive is that the end justifies the means.

To lead people, you must follow behind.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.

The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and women, such as are we all? And thus happi

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.

He hath eaten me out of house and home.

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton

For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

The ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end.

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling to risk offending God's g

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

There is no proverb that is not true.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.

Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.

Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes.

It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Set the cart before the horse.

What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.

Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to

The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. In speech, be true. In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.

There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.

The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that the first one was useless.

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not designed for people who walk on their hands.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cathedral in Spain: It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if dressed as a man. Above the enterance to a Cairo bar: Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husb

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be mud." And there was mud. And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what we have done." And God created every living creature that now moveth, and

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.

Things past redress and now with me past care.

... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity,

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

"What was the worst thing you've ever done?" "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."

The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!

Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning must go to the same ass

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.

Satire is what closes Saturday night.

CF&C stole it, fair and square.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

"You little (such a one who, while wearing a copper nose ring, stands in a footbath atop Mount Raruaruaha during a heavy thunderstorm and shouts that Alohura, Goddess of Lightning, has the facial features of a diseased uloruaha root)!"

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "If I had w

With reasonable men I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but to tyrants I will give no quarter.

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

I hate dying.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; it's the asshole of the universe.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.

"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me Deadpan Allie and lie.

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.

What soon grows old? Gratitude.

The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.

Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. General: What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child

She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.

So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

Veni, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered].

The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort."

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.

No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted.

There's no such thing as an original sin.

April 1 This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, beca

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressively cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it's still a holding place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks. Not that I would have cared nor

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.

God help those who do not help themselves.

It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only short

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

To add insult to injury.

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

I do not patronize poor, ill educated, or disenfranchised people by exempting them from the same critical examination I feel free to direct toward the rest of society, however much I might champion the same minority or disadvantaged group in the foru

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

"It don't matter, Sail, ... Could be worse. The fam'ly might be donatin' the proceeds to the Cath'lic Church, or the Mormons or somethin'. One cult's the same another."

"Plaese porrf raed."

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

"... all the modern inconveniences ..."

It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.

The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual and emotional feelings. I

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, wins few friends, Germans excepted.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

The nearer to the church, the further from God.

Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

NEW YORK

Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money.

A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

Naked children have never played in _o_u_r fountains, and I.M. Pei will never be happy on Route 66.

"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar."

Turn the other cheek.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion.

Go ahead... make my day.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

God is Dead.

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.

It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!

Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.

Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.

No good deed goes unpunished.

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will never succeed.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

Events are not affected, they develop.

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

When neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of men live content.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

You tread upon my patience.

AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! AWAKE!

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.

That's where the money was.

Practice yourself what you preach.

Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

There are no answers, only cross-references.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

Men will fuck mud.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Best Mistakes In Films In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all possible. In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a st

The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.

You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.

Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts."

Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics.

Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the roar of its many waters.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhil

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

This night methinks is but the daylight sick.

"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they use or do not use.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.

Everyone is in the best seat.

If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible.

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

"Life is too important to take seriously."

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.