I will make you shorter by the head.

There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of normal routines, for children and adults alike."

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Were there no women, men might live like gods.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

My rackets are run on strictly American lines, and they're going to stay that way.

A man's house is his castle.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more owls."

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what rid

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercio

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

Nothing recedes like success.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.

Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.

It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it.

Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.

If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]

Alas, how love can trifle with itself!

She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.

Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing tricks on me and treating me badly.

All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first group and lost all the friends

"I don't know whether God exists or not, but it makes no difference to me." "It's not like He's passing out free money or anything."

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling.

Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet.

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one Maltese Falcon.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

A good reputation is more valuable than money.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home.

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

Business will be either better or worse.

What fools these mortals be.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.

There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.

Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency.

Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.

Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.

It'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home.

Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".

A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.

The streets were dark with something more than night.

It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?

The faster I go, the behinder I get.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?

were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear signifi

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather than be the instrument of h

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

Harp not on that string.

"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children." "Oh, so you don't like it?" "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."

Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the worl

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war and they are screened at onc

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that one can learn."

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

Persistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit in political leaders.

Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.

Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes.

A dead man cannot bite.

Better the prince of some inferior court, Than second, or less, in beatific light.

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves.

Better late than never.

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

Too much of everything is just enough.

You roll my log, and I will roll yours.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher

Use an accordion. Go to jail.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Leave no stone unturned.

People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to amuse them.

"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."

Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.

The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.

Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

"Spare no expense to save money on this one."

Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.

Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as those without might

Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.

Another day, another dollar.

All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.