You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.

If I had any humility I would be perfect.

I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

While there's life, there's hope.

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

The farther you go, the less you know.

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

Use an accordion. Go to jail.

Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.

Tempt not a desperate man.

Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. General: What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.

Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that one can learn."

Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

Better late than never.

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

Cold is God's way of teling us to burn more Catholics.

Big book, big bore.

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a painting by Goya.

America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?

Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet.

My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.

The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so.

I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

Every why hath a wherefore.

To generalize is to be an idiot.

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

The Public is merely a multiplied "me."

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set.

per year.

What one fool can do, another can.

Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

Getting into trouble is easy.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

To teach is to learn twice.

Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day.

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

Nice guys finish last.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.

France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

To have died once is enough.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

Many hands make light work.

The Angels want to wear my red shoes.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

The streets were dark with something more than night.

I love treason but hate a traitor.

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

Ben, why didn't you tell me?

The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.

I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

Rome was not built in one day.

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- stances being what they

It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family airedale will come clear across t

The mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

Nothing succeeds like excess.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

You can observe a lot just by watching.

"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him. "Cabbages and potatoes are better for you and me."

I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.

question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

A man's house is his castle.

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.

TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires for

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet

Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courag

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

Necessity has no law.

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.