What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

The farther you go, the less you know.

I do desire we may be better strangers.

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, fo

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

I love treason but hate a traitor.

If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.

The control of the production of wealth is the control of human life itself.

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Things are not always what they seem.

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

One good turn asketh another.

To be or not to be.

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality.

My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much is going on.

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."

It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies."

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

If there is no wind, row.

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

The goys have proven the following theorem...

Rome was not built in one day.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of employees in the Department

It'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home.

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.

The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet.

Our swords shall play the orators for us.

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection with income tax policies.

"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble."

Genius is pain.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

May you live in uninteresting times.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.

Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

This was the most unkindest cut of all.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanent

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

The human instinct to censor thrives, as it always will, living in irrepressible conflict with the human instinct to speak. Outrage, self-righteousness, and paranoia feed the maw of censorship. Squelching speech, however, never reduces society's net

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said "Gimme a quart

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.

Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.

For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.

Out of sight is out of mind.

There is no fool to the old fool.

What I tell you three times is true.

There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.

The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday they might force their beliefs on us.

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him.

The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not expecting everyone else to ad

Never laugh at live dragons.

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

English literature's performing flea.

"God gives burdens; also shoulders" Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why wo

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Tempt not a desperate man.

A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

Art is anything you can get away with.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

"You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?"

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.

I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream and never be our destiny.

I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed i

It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.

I have gained this by philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law.

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.

Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?

The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and a

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.