I will make you shorter by the head.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

One learns to itch where one can scratch.

Better tried by twelve than carried by six.

Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

I hate dying.

Go away, I'm all right.

"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. Because death is moment

The more the merrier.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Your wig steers the gig.

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

Most general statements are false, including this one.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

Look before you leap.

I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

The superfluous is very necessary.

None love the bearer of bad news.

By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.

"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.

God helps them that help themselves.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

Business will be either better or worse.

One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

Man is the measure of all things.

Neckties strangle clear thinking.

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.

Force has no place where there is need of skill.

Turn the other cheek.

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanent

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

Piece of cake!

There seems no plan because it is all plan.

Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

Practice yourself what you preach.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.

Nothing succeeds like excess.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Necessity hath no law.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

All is well that ends well.

Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.

If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

Nice guys finish last.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

Practice is the best of all instructors.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

There is always something new out of Africa.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.