Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.'"

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.

When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

A man is known by the company he organizes.

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.

What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.

To add insult to injury.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

I love treason but hate a traitor.

The superfluous is very necessary.

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

Why be a man when you can be a success?

Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.

Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

Real wealth can only increase.

Littering is dumb.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanent

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

The fact that it works is immaterial.

We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual and emotional feelings. I

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton

VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade ari

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

Go away, I'm all right.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?

If God is One, what is bad?

You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read.

Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. General: What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.

Nothing endures but change.

Never promise more than you can perform.

No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.

It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

Rome was not built in one day.

Don't get mad, get even.

Nice guys finish last.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

May you live in uninteresting times.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

"What was the worst thing you've ever done?" "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

A violent man will die a violent death.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

Beggars should be no choosers.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

God helps them that help themselves.

Charity begins at home.

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.

"You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?"