I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never be free of subjugation.

When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Let your conscience be your guide.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

I owe the public nothing.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

Grig (the navigator): ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space armada. Alex (the gunner): What?!? Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against overwhelming odds. Alex: It'll be a slaughter! Grig: That'

What we do not understand we do not possess.

The mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.

Practice yourself what you preach.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, cr

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

To add insult to injury.

Look ere ye leap.

When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

You can never do just one thing.

A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.

I dote on his very absence.

Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.

Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.

My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.

Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

Well begun is half done.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventi

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money.

Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.

The Crown is full of it!

"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and women, such as are we all? And thus happi

I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.

The course of true anything never does run smooth.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.

Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.

Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling to risk offending God's g

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion.

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not c

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

Events are not affected, they develop.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.

One learns to itch where one can scratch.

One big pile is better than two little piles.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

None love the bearer of bad news.

Let me take you a button-hole lower.

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

Man is by nature a political animal.

What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?

Rule the Empire through force.

There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.

Under every stone lurks a politician.

"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."

Home is where the hurt is.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Imagine what we can imagine!

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

I knew her before she was a virgin.

What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coinci

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad.

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

Littering is dumb.

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Time as he grows old teaches all things.