In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room with

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

If God is One, what is bad?

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, and the scum rises to the top.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. He looks upon the great

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

You get what you pay for.

I hate dying.

Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

If you want divine justice, die.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

Many hands make light work.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.

Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

Men will fuck mud.

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is good at being short.

Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Thin

I have a very strange feeling about this...

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.

What you don't know won't help you much either.

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket and a willingness to compromise.

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

The faster we go, the rounder we get.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?

"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.

Faith is under the left nipple.

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

If there is no wind, row.

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Mo

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventi

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. The wo

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

The world wants to be deceived.

Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order and causality in random arrays, to perc

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

Every why hath a wherefore.

All art is but imitation of nature.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

The superfluous is very necessary.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again.

October 12, the Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

Never have so many understood so little about so much.

You can never do just one thing.

We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.

When in doubt, use brute force.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set.

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

We're all in this alone.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

Prizes are for children.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself.

English literature's performing flea.

I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.

There is no sin but ignorance.

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"