A good reputation is more valuable than money.

United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhil

Your wig steers the gig.

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

Anything anybody can say about America is true.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a mi

Everyone is in the best seat.

'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

The better part of valor is discretion.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Mo

There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally.

Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?

Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ances

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity,

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?"

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

What we do not understand we do not possess.

There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers.

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.

"Nuclear war would really set back cable."

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and when he dies we give

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Were there no women, men might live like gods.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.

Never laugh at live dragons.

Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

We're only in it for the volume.

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, beca

Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.

Pauca sed matura. [Few but excellent.]

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

Forgive and forget.

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing tricks on me and treating me badly.

A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

What!? Me worry?

It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

The more the merrier.

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

Events are not affected, they develop.

Too much is just enough.

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment they cross the mountains into California,

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'

Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.

The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no certainties.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.

A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

The mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.

A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.

Rome was not built in one day.

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat,

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

"... all the modern inconveniences ..."

That government is best which governs least.

There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.

Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surroun

Small things make base men proud.

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

Housework can kill you if done right.

Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

What fools these mortals be.

A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning must go to the same ass

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.

I owe the public nothing.

... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you lucky fool, a