Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be mud." And there was mud. And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what we have done." And God created every living creature that now moveth, and

"There is a God, but He drinks"

The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order and causality in random arrays, to perc

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.

Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.

Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.

What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.

A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behin

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.

Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercio

I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a painting by Goya.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

What one fool can do, another can.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

Many hands make light work.

The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been more like fourteen.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.

No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.

Look before you leap.

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

BS: You remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power. B: What power? BS: The power of voodoo. B: Voodoo? BS: You do. B: Do what? BS: Remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power...

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.

Real wealth can only increase.

"God gives burdens; also shoulders" Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why wo

To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is madness.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

April 1 This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a crowbar.

One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

The Worst Musical Trio There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian gentleman who was

God help those who do not help themselves.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to all your troubles.

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me Deadpan Allie and lie.

A snake lurks in the grass.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.

It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

Better late than never.

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.

Things past redress and now with me past care.

"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.

You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.

Faith is under the left nipple.

A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.

That's no moon...

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coinci

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.

The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

I dote on his very absence.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

We have art that we do not die of the truth.

Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ances

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment they cross the mountains into California,

Small things make base men proud.

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.

"... all the modern inconveniences ..."

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

What we do not understand we do not possess.

A word to the wise is enough.

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

To do two things at once is to do neither.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room with

Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.

When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

Having nothing, nothing can he lose.

You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those.

All phone calls are obscene.

It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only short

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out.

Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is good at being short.

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.

Language is a virus from another planet.

"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."

A place for everything and everything in its place.

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

Pauca sed matura. [Few but excellent.]

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.